Boys I know are busy. Busy racing cars through a crowded city. Busy fighting oppressors and leading men into battle. Busy playing in the championship football game ... all on a quiet summer afternoon. I'm speaking of video games, of course, and the 'gamers' who love them. As much real-life work as boys face these days, what is it about video games that occupy so much of their attention? Whatever it is, this draw seems to only be increasing as these boys mature into men. Why is it that this draw toward the "virtual world" is increasingly spilling over into manhood? What needs are they going to a controller or keyboard to fulfill that we as parents might be able to meet more effectively?
Video games are becoming an incredible distraction for youth and young men everywhere we look. At a recent child dedication service at a sister church of mine the pastor challenged dads not only to put their families' priorities above watching football games but also above playing video games. Ten years ago that pastor wouldn't have mentioned video games. It would seem that as children become youth and youth become men that instead of growing out of it, the draw toward video games is becoming stronger and stronger. What do these artificial worlds have to offer that these boys and men are not finding in the physical world of their families, friends, and eventually co-workers and neighbors?
In the past, the needs of boys have been met by their schools, the church, and largely by the family. Today, video games are meeting more and more of these needs. By examining the draw boys have toward video games we can get a glimpse of what our boys' need. By knowing those needs, we and be better prepared to meet those needs as a parent.
Among the youth and men I have observed who play video games, the primary draw is that those games are an ENABLER. They enable the participants in ways they do not feel enabled in the physical world, whether in their families or among their friends or even co-workers. Here are seven ways that boys are enabled by either the video games they play or otherwise by the people God has placed in their lives:
Seven ENABLERs:
E-ngaging Relationships
Online game play is inherently a very connected technology. Internestingly enough though, gamers are typically very far removed from each other physically, talking to strangers and friends in a very disconnnected way. This disconnected aspect enables gamers an incredible amount of freedom to be transparent and open with each other while playing. Compare this ability to have authentic, honest communication with the masks they may feel forced to wear in the "real world" and you get a good idea why gamers can feel closer to those "disconnected" online players than they do to people they see day-to-day in the real world. The irony is that while no one is better positioned to love your boys than their parents, we all as parents often times make it extremely difficult for our sons to approach us with hard questions, failures, or advice.
N-ew and exciting
All too often the "real world" can get routine and dull if we aren't careful. In a virtual world you can constantly be reinventing yourself with little or no consequences. Wanna save the world? Go for it! Wanna race, bare-knuckled, through the crowded streets of a major city? Just reboot and you're off! The video game industry is unbelievably talented at providing gamers with new experiences. What can your family learn from this? One way is to habitually ask yourself, "What are some creative things you can do in order to keep things fresh and exciting?" Those in the gaming industry wake up every day having to answer this question all over again. Perhaps we as parents can learn a lot from this practice.
A-ccomplishment
How often do our boys feel they have accomplished something of value in this world? Today's boys have been given a "lazy pass" by far too many adults. We expect little, we avoid giving them control and empowering to even fail sometimes. We don't want them to embarrass us or hurt any of "our stuff". What are some things we as parents can do to instill a sense of accomplishment in "real world" terms? Give them responsibility. Give them a highly-visible task that has an impact if they fail. Raise the stakes and set the expectation that accomplishing the task is important but that failure is tolorated (although failure may come at a cost). "Failing" at a video game comes with zero consequences and likewise, the accomplishments gamers can attain are just as hollow and meaningless. Be prepared to handle their real-world failures, which inevitably will come sooner or later as they struggle to accomplish something of significance. They'll be surprised how satisfying actually accomplishing something of real importance makes them feel. In what ways can we push them out of their comfort zone in order to be challenged and to grow? Here's one example: Don't merely make your son mow the lawn. Instead let him design the entire landscaping. Give him a budget. Tell him you'll throw in so many hours of your own time. Make him plan out a design within budget, managing the personnel helping him accomplish the task (aka, the time you are volunteering), and see what happens. Help him only so far as he's budgeted for you to help. You might even choose to pay him a salary as well, perhaps basing part of the payment on the quality of his end product (a base salary plus a bonus).
B-elonging
Online play is often times about building alliances and developing into a team. What conscience effort can we make to further instill a sense of belonging in our families? Playing games (yes, even video games sometimes) with your family, planning trips, family-night-outtings, and weekend getaways all help foster a sense of belonging. Keep in mind that the main goal is merely to build family unity and love. Sometimes it's easy to get frustrated when events you plan don't panout the way you'd plan. Be flexible with your plan in order to keep the goal in mind: "Unity and Belonging"! Also, please don't under-estimate family dinners (or breakfasts if that fits your family's lifestyle better). If you can't make it happen during the week very often, do what you can and make it a required family activity (Saturday lunch, Sunday dinner, etc). (unpaid family chores is a great way to build a sense of belonging also)
L-eadership
What efforts can we take to offer real and meaningful leadership opportunities to our boys? In a virtual world they can be kings and lead a group of warriors into battle. They can coach a team to a championship. The risks aren't high because if they fail they just... "reboot". Are you as a parent able to risk delegating significant responsibilities to your children in the hopes of providing them with real leadership opportunites within our homes? Boy Scouts is a great opportunity as well but even with Scouting, parents have to be careful not to "do it for them". Truly let them lead and also be willing to accept them when they fail. So many boys have grown accustom to the "lazy pass" mentioned before that throwing it away sounds intimidating and a lot of work to them. The book, Do Hard Things by teenagers Alex and Brett Harris is a great resource for boys that challenges all teens to do hard things, like leading!
E-mpowerment
Online players are empowered to race cars, fight oppressors, compete in the big game, play in the sun on a rainy day or go snow skiing in the middle of the summer. What are some ways we as parents can empower our children to do things they otherwise might only dream about (or act out online, as the case may be)? If your son is athletically-inclined, encourage him to try new sports (team sports, extreme sports, etc). If your son is more social, encourage him to throw a party at your home. Empower him to make up a nonsensical reason or theme for the party. If you son is introspective then empower him to join or start a book club or chess club. The point is to empower him to succeed at the things he enjoys doing and you may even learn a new hobby or two in the process!
R-elease
What healthy ways do you offer your boys to "let off steam"? How can you develop a home life with more of an atmosphere in which boys can have some way to release stress and anxiety? When they are stressed out are you willing to listen intently, offering understanding more than advice and instruction? Do your other children love your son enough to lend an ear without tattling? Playing sports together is a great way to let off steam too and also builds on some other enablers listed above. In fact, any exercise together can help let off stress (bike riding, walking, hiking, swimming).
Better than any video game
Now is the time to begin providing and modeling a home life that provides your children with more than video games ever could. It takes intentionality and lots of effort on our parts, but the effort is well worth it.
